God…You’re a sneaky one!

How can a roller coaster go up and down at the same time?  I feel mania kicking in after I have spent the better part of the day depressed.  This new medicine Geodon in kicking my ass!  It makes me so tired.  I notice it’s worse in the morning than at night so tomorrow I’m going to wait until early afternoon before taking the 1st does and see if it’s any better.

I am still feeling very blah.  Not happy, but not in a major depressive state…yet.  I know if I stay in this place too long I will go way down.  I don’t know for sure if it’s the Geodon or the Lithium helping stabilize my moods, but I hope it’s the Lithium. (less side effects)

I find when I am blah that I don’t want to go to meetings.  I forced myself to go last night because it was a speaker meeting and the woman sharing has been sober 12 years AND also suffers from bipolar disorder.  Hearing what she had to say was very inspirational.  It gives me hope that I can do this and stay sober.

I have been having strong urges to “go out”.  Not to drink, just to go have fun, but I always think of the bar.  Go play pool, go socialize, or even go watch football.  I almost went with my friend yesterday to watch football and then thought better of it.  That is just the alcoholic in me talking!  I know deep down if I go into a bar I will inevitably drink.  I will never be one of those people who can hang our in a bar with their friends and not drink.  I am just bored and that was all I knew as my outlet for having fun.  I don’t want to drink, but sometimes I catch myself thinking “why can’t I be a normal drinker”.  Why can’t I just have 1-2 beers and go home.  Because I an am an alcoholic!  I know this, yet I still want to drink!  I guess I think it’ll be different this time.  Silly woman! It won’t be different!  Sure, it might take 7-10 days before you blackout again, but it will happen.

I was seriously contemplating going along with her yesterday to watch the game and then a strange thing happened.  I got a random text message from a guy in the program.  He was telling me how much he liked me.  I was stressing we are just friends and nothing more.  He continued to send text messages and I tried to be nice but firm at the same time.  When he confessed to me he drank last night (I suspected as much) I continued to be supportive, but distanced.  The ironic thing is all I could think about is how he must feel.  Knowing that he threw away 6 weeks of sobriety.  Knowing he went to detox for nothing.  How ashamed, devastated, defeated, and upset he must feel!  While this conversation went on through the evening I realized I was no longer thinking about going to the bar to watch football; I was helping another alcoholic!  God, you work in mysterious ways!

Depressed and overwhelmed

de·pres·sion/diˈpreSHən/

Noun:

Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.

See Also: angiush, calamity, disease, disorder, grief, hardship, illness, misery, pain, plight, sorrow, suffering, torment, trial, tribulation, trouble, woe

Why do I continue to feel this way?  It is like a force that has taken me over.  My life is fairly balanced.  I have a roof over my head, food on my table, and clothes on my back.  Why do I feel like such an ungrateful twit?  Usually I am manic on the weekends and the depression doesn’t creep in until Sunday nights.  This time I have felt this way since last Sunday.  I have struggled to clean my house, I didn’t attend my regular AA meetings, I bailed out on commitments with friends, and feel overall crappy.  I’ve had no desire to get dressed, shower, or leave the house.  I just want to lay in bed and sleep!  I have slept on average 7-8 hours a night, but last night I slept 10 and could easily crawl back into bed.  I am worried the new medications I am on may have subdued me too much.  I just wanted to not be manic, I didn’t want to feel like a zombie. I have zero motivation.  I started cleaning the office yesterday and did manage to get the filing cabinet sorted, but as with all my other projects, it is left unfinished.  So I’ll try a different approach.  Quit beating yourself up!!

Manageable goals for today:

1. Put away clean clothes

2. Prepare clothes for work this week

3. Take out the trash

4. Move daybed into office

Bipolar roller (coaster)

 

There I go…Shooting out of the gate at 150 mph only to climb a hill to mania followed by an emotional plummet.  You would think this is my favorite ride as much as I am on it.   Someone posted recently they miss mania and I just can’t understand that.  Well, maybe I can a little bit.  I understand the thrill of having a surge of energy after feeling drained for days, weeks, or even months.  I suppose I secretly miss it when I’m on the down side of a cycle as well.  One thing I have learned though is I can’t get anything accomplished when I’m manic, even with the extra energy.  I can’t focus so it’s all lost on me.  Then, once I fall into depression, I beat myself up for not having taken advantage of the upswing in energy.  What a maddening cycle!

Day Zero Project

I have decided to tackle the Day Zero Project.  I didn’t know when I started this how daunting a task it would be to list 101 things I want to do.  This is what I have come up with so far and plan to add more as inspiration strikes me.

1. Watch 25 of IMDB’s Top 50 movies

2. Meditate

3. Enter a photography contest

4. Sew myself a dress

5. Learn to knit

6. Crochet a scarf

7. Complete a cross stitch project

8. Buy something from eBay

9. Put away $10 for every goal completed

10. Go on a road trip with no preset destination in mind

11. Make a Year in Pictures album

12. Document a “day in my life” in photographs

13.Take a photography class

14. Make a list of things I like about myself

15. Make a list of things I am grateful for everyday

16. Get my tattoo redone

17. Have at least $1,000 in savings

18. Join the library

19. Attend the midnight premiere of a movie

20. Do a walk for charity

21. Get a mole check done

22. Have a professional massage

23. Do some volunteer work

24. Create a photographic journal for one week

25. Send a handwritten letter

26. Write a list of 101 things I’ve already achieved

27. Complete 25 writing prompts from www.creativewritingprompts.com

28. Complete the 100 snapshots challenge

29. Start a photoblog

30. Donate money to charity

31. Find a personally inspirational quote and work it into a piece of art or home decor

32. Host a murder mystery party

33. Answer the “50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind”

34. Visit the Holocaust Museum

35. Learn five new recipes

36. Be on time to work every day for a month

37. Go to New York at Christmas time

38. Pay off my last credit card

39. Don’t eat fast food for a week

40. Make a list of what I’m looking for/ what is important to me in a relationship

41. Make a list of the top 5 people who have positively influenced me and write them letters

42. Make a list of all family and friends Birthdays and Anniversaries

43. Make a list of 25 things I like about myself

44. Paint one wall an outrageous color

45. Listen to every single one of the Beatles songs

46. Listen to “I’m On A Boat” while on a boat.

47. Write a poem

48. Write a love letter

49. Build a piece of furniture

50. Go camping

51. Go to a concert

52. Make a new friend

53. Make a birthday cake for someone

54. Get a passport

55. Get a facial

56. Leave an inspirational note inside a book for someone to find

57. Go on a picnic

Make it stop!

I couldn’t put into words the way by brain is reacting right now so I made this instead.  I feel like there are 5 tv’s on at the same time.  Imagine a crumpled piece of paper with lines squiggled all over it.  In AA they talk about “The Committee” in your head.  I can barely speak a cohesive sentence.  I couldn’t remember the difference between vertical and horizontal today.  Hell, I couldn’t even remember my own address earlier!  What is wrong with me?  My daughter made us dinner because she said I’m “delicate” tonight.  There are a million thoughts running through my head but I can’t process even one of them.  I actually started having a panic attack at work this afternoon.  I haven’t had those in a long time.  I remember having them daily around 3pm.  My psychiatrist lowered my dose of Lithium and I wonder if that’s part of it.  I hope not because I don’t want to resign myself to feeling this way.  I want to go to AA tonight, I don’t want to go to AA tonight…ughh….  I don’t know what I want.  I am starting to remember feeling this way before and treating it with alcohol, but I know that is NOT an option anymore.  It sucks doing it the “right” way!

Blog for Mental Health 2012

I support blogging for mental health.  I blog about being bipolar and recovering from alcoholism.  In the short time I have been blogging I have come to find a community of others who share my same mental health issues.  The insight and knowledge I have gained from reading these blogs is infinite.  I spent many years in denial because of shame and embarrassment.  It’s important for people to know they are not alone.  We can all relate to each other on some level.  I am bipolar, but I am also a mother, wife, daughter, granddaughter, student, employee, and alcoholic.

You may find my blogs funny, sad, angry, inspirational or boring.  I write about how I’m feeling as part of my own therapy.  I am amazed in the short amount of time I have been writing the number of people who have reached out to me to say my story touched them in some way.  So while I write for my self I do it also in hopes that someone reading it can relate and see they are not alone..

The badge above is featured on http://asthependulumswings.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/blog-for-mental-health-2012-a-hit/  and is dedicated to continue blogging throughout 2012 for mental health. Please join us.

1.) Take the pledge by copy and pasting the following into a post featuring “Blog for Mental Health 2012″.

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2012 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

2.) Link back to the person who pledged you.

3.) Write a short biography of your mental health, and what this means to you.

I have been symptomatic of Bipolar Disorder with hypomania and mixed mania most of my adult life, however I only sought treatment when I was severely depressed.  I thought my manic episodes were my normal.  I supressed my disorder with another disease.  Alcoholism.  BP made me drink more and the more I drank the worse the BP was.  Now that I am clean and sober I have committed myself to treating my disorder properly.  This includes regular therapy and medication management.

This pledge is my opportunity to commit to mental health awareness. I can publicly display this badge to instantly tell my audience what this is all about. And, I can encourage others within the mental health community that have a Dx to do the same.

4.) Pledge five others.

I am pledging give of my fellow bloggers who have stood with me, and have proven their medal in my eyes as mental health bloggers.

*** I will come back to this as I am new to the blogs and don’t have a network yet***

If you happen upon this without being pledged, I still pledge you. Feel free to take the pledge! Promote awareness!

Define “Psychotic”

Psychosis::  a serious mental disorder (as schizophrenia) characterized by defective or lost contact with reality often with hallucinations or delusions (Merriam Webster’s Medical Dictionary)

I went to the psychiatrist today because I was on the verge of a break. He added an anti-psychotic to my daily cocktail.   I have been manic since Thursday and am due to crash any minute.  I have actually been experiencing mixed mania for the first time.  This brings me to my point… awareness of psychosis.  Why are my symptoms so much more prevalent now that I have been diagnosed?  Why am I noticing all the noise in my head all of the sudden?  Why am I sleeping less and more manic?  I think it’s due to awareness.

I have had numerous psychiatrists over the years tell me I am bi-polar, but as soon as the word came out of their mouth I would never go back.  I was afraid.  I was embarrassed.  I was busy. I didn’t have time to “deal” with such a thing.  Most importantly, I was intelligent and I knew it would mean I would need to have regular treatment and stay on medications.  Medication that I feared would interfere with my drinking.  I simply did not have time to be bipolar.  So for 10 years I self medicated.

I realized today that the hypomanic episodes I am having are also due to the fact I am detoxing from 17 years of heavy drinking.  My body was being forced into a depression by the copious amounts of alcohol I was putting into it.  now that those chemicals are leaving my body I am experiencing physical and mental symptoms I have never felt before.  It is so difficult to treat my symptoms when I don’t know what my “normal” is.  It makes it difficult to stay on the wagon when lately I feel worse than when I was drinking.  The guilt keeps me sober though.  Lithium, Effexor and Geodon might be making me physically ill, but I’ll take it any day over the mental and physical hell alcohol put me through.

When I get to the end of my rope I just have to tie a knot and hang on!

Define “Bipolar Disorder”

    My recent change in medications and diagnosis, of bipolar disorder with hypomania, has left me with a lot of questions.  Yesterday while in the bookstore with my daughter I came across this book 3 different times, in 3 different parts of the store.  Finally I just looked up to the heavens and said “Ok, I get it, I’ll buy the book.”  As I started reading it became clear to me this may be one (I understand there may be many more) of the pieces to the vast jigsaw puzzle that is Elizabeth.  I have only read the first chapter, but already I feel as though I am reading my biography.  I started being treated for depression when I was 14 and have sought help off and on for the last 20 years.  Though I only sought help when things got really bad and I was nearing the end of my rope.  I always felt as though the doctors were missing something and I couldn’t be depressed because I would go from extreme despair to euphoric happiness with in days, sometimes even hours.  Part of the trouble to be properly diagnosed is that I would never stick to my prescribed medications or follow through with my appointments.  Since getting sober I have come to realize sometimes there are outside issues at hand and it is imperative I seek outside help.

Some things I have learned about myself in the past 24 hours…

When depression is your normal mode of operation, mania can bring sweet relief.  You are fooled into thinking manic episodes are the “real me”.  This is why I only sought help when depressed.  My hypomanic episodes served as an adrenaline rush for me and my addictive personality wanted more.  BP->Addiction->BP->Addiction…etc… This was a vicious cycle.

A hypomanic state can make me quite productive…at first.  Until I burn myself out and fall into depression.  I used to think (until yesterday) that I was a lazy piece of crap because every Sunday night as the sun went down I would start to dread going to work Monday.  I’m not talking about the “normal”…ugh back to work tomorrow.  I’m talking “I hate myself and my life and I just want to end it all.”  Wow…what a horrible way to feel every week!  No matter how hard I tried, I could find no joy in my life.  No I realize it was because I had spent 3 days hypomanic and was begining to crash.

I never thought of my anger as being a symptom.  I would only occasionally have outbursts of rage, but never associated it with a mental illness.  You mean it’s not normal to break dishes or throw things?

According to this book here are some of the typical signs and symptoms of hypomania:

• extreme optimism and euphoria
• anger and aggression
• inflated self-esteem and confidence
• appetite changes and decreased need for sleep
• elevated energy and activity
• lack of focus and distractibility
• racing thoughts and rapid, erratic speech
• impulsiveness and lack of inhibition
• risky behaviors
• substance abuse
• bizarre thoughts and behaviors

Wow! As I read this list (highlighter in hand) I could relate to about half of these symptoms.  What’s funny is the bold items are the ones I related to last night and as I sit here typing this list, *ding*, times are popping in my head when I have exhibited the other behaviors and just suppressed those memories.  So to update my list, Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am addicted to highlighters, I can relate to ALL of these symptoms in some capacity.  I feel as though a door has been opened for me.  I am resisting the urge to jump ahead in the book.  I want to learn how to live safely with BP and I want to know NOW, but I know that reading a few pages on how to cope with hypomania will not help me if I don’t take the time to understand what it is first.  I’ll fail at recovery if I don’t first understand why I do things.  I have read many books about depression, but I always skipped ahead to the solution without taking the time to LEARN ABOUT the problem.  I was setting myself up for failure and didn’t even know it.

I am so excited to learn more about the “why” so I can work on the “how”.

Hi, My name is Elizabeth and I am a bipolar alcoholic.

Chip Chip Cheerio

    I picked up my 3 month chip at a meeting this morning.  Wow… 90 days without a drink.  It is true what they say… One day at a time.

91 days ago I was praying to God to take my life and waking up angry he didn’t do what I told him.  I couldn’t picture my life without drugs and alcohol.  I had reached the bitter end of my frayed rope and there was not a knot at the end to hold on to.  I went into my 1st AA meeting because it was at the last house on the block.  I had tried everything else.  I tried to change what I drank, when I drank, with whom I drank.  I failed miserably every time.  I would always wind up drinking until I blacked out.  I would awaken the next morning day full of remorse and shame.  A few hours later I would start the maddening process all over again. As Bill says “No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity.  I had met my match.  I had been overwhelmed.  Alcohol was my master.”

When I walked into my first AA meeting I was hopeless.  I don’t remember much about my 1st meeting, or even my first few weeks of sobriety for that matter, but I do remember how I felt.  “There exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful.”  Everyone in that room was just like me.  They were all hopeless at one time.  The difference is they had found a common solution and I wanted what they had.  I could see that I was powerless over alcohol because my 17 years of experience had taught me that much, but what I wasn’t ready to do was admit my life was unmanageable because it wasn’t.  Or so I thought.  Here’s the beauty of the program, I didn’t have to admit that.  I didn’t have to swallow all of Step 1 at once.  All I had to do was not drink.  Just for today.  I even took it further than that when necessary and focused on hours or even minutes.

Looking back at my journal I see that 15 days into my sobriety I made a list of they ways my life had become unmanageable.  Whew, how was I even surviving?  That’s all I was doing… surviving.  I wasn’t living at all.  I wasn’t present for my daughter, I wasn’t a good employee, daughter, wife, or friend.  So now I was able to truly say I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.

I was now focused on Step 2. “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”  I broke this down in 2 pieces.  #1 I have always believed in God…easy.  #2 There was no way he was going to restore me to sanity.  He hated me.  If he really loved me, why would he let me become an alcoholic?  Why would he let my life become unmanageable?  Why would he let all these bad things happen to me?  Why would he let me live in such pain?  Why didn’t he just take me?  Then I learned about free will and “ding” (i imagine this was the sound) the light bulb came on.  I began to talk to God, that’s it, very simply just talked to Him.  I didn’t have to say formal prayers.  Most days it was simply thanking him for my sobriety.  However, I still wasn’t quite sure how he was going to restore me to sanity.

As soon as I opened my heart and my eyes I began to see all the ways God was/is working in my life.  There have been times I was sure I would drink and I’m not even sure how my car detoured from the bar or liquor store, but it did.  I would find myself at a friend’s house or at my mother’s not even sure why or how I was there.  I was struggling with depression and finally gained the courage to go back to see a psychiatrist, who has been able to clarify my diagnosis and get me on a proper regimen of medications.

In the past 90 days God has carried me through numerous trials and tribulations.  I have a renewed spirit and strength I thought was forever lost on me.  God is doing for me what I could not do for myself and I am truly blessed.

Define “self-cleaning”

7:13pm – Husband pre-heats oven

7:23pm – Husband opens oven and immediately yells for me

Husband: “What did you spill in the oven? ” (while smoke is billowing from the back and sides of the oven up to the exhaust fan running at top speed)

Me: “Oh $hit!”  Suddenly I remember the oven cleaner I sprayed inside last Saturday.  (by my calculations that’s 7 days ago) I had to spray the oven and wait 6 hours to wipe it out.  Well…. I don’t know what I was doing 6 hours later, but it was most definitely not wiping out my oven.  About this time my mom (our dinner guest) comes over to inspect the situation.  After she takes one look at the oven the conversation resumes like this…

Mom: “Did you know you have a self-cleaning oven?  You’re not supposed to use oven cleaners with this type of oven.  You can ruin the oven.”

Me: “No, but it obviously isn’t working or I wouldn’t have to clean it.”

Mom: “Did you press the clean button?”

Me: “There’s a clean button?”

Enough said…